Sunday, April 10, 2016

Flame Of Love

My inner self has been wandering in the desert for an extended period of time.  My prayers are tepid, I'm mentally inert, I am tired. I wouldn't be surprised to find that this is a light form of depression.

I self medicate with sleep.  Food.  Exercise.  Reading.  Facebook.  I hate that I'm doing this, but I don't have enough drive to stop.

When I work, it takes more energy than it should to do half the work I need to get done.  When I try to focus on something, I give up after a few minutes because my mind is filled with distractions. When I pray, I feel...nothing.  

I hate being lukewarm.  I hate it even more when I can't make myself feel "hate".  I can't seem to feel. 

Who is this stranger inside my skin?

It could be that I have had to face an overload of worries and troubles, and this new "me" could be a sort of self preservation mode.  Although this makes some sense, I don't really believe that it is the sole answer.

Whatever it is, today at Mass, the Lord drew me near for an instant.  In this brief encounter, He fed my soul a tidbit, for which I am eternally grateful.

I was cantor at Mass.  At the consecration, I was kneeling towards the altar.  My eyes fell upon the numerous candles that flickered behind Father's back.  Being that we are still in the Easter Season, the church is dressed in her full regalia--abundant flower arrangements, silken fabric swags, and candelabras galore.  

The tiny flames danced wildly.  

These flames are contained by their wick.  If they were allowed to be released, the fire would grow and spread.  Fire is energy, light, and warmth.  This is how love is.  Your love is small because you keep it contained.  You selfishly keep it contained at the wick, instead of letting it go.  You should permit your love to be unleashed, and it would magnify and spread.  Learn this lesson from the flame.  Each time you see the flames, recall this.

My face softened into a smile.  I have carried this precious inspiration in my heart today and wanted to share it.  God, help me to love without reserve.