Friday, September 27, 2013

Falling In Love

Remember when you fell in love?  The swell of emotion, the way that joy oozed from your very being?  Recall breaking into an ear to ear smile at any given moment?

Lucky me.  I not only have those memories with my sweetie, John, but with each one of the children that came into our life over the years. 

Love at first sight does, indeed, exist.  When my babies were first placed in my arms, I wanted to love them with every ounce of my being.  In fact, I couldn't do anything to stop myself from loving them that way.

The cycle of life, bringing a child into being, carrying them inside, seeing them as they make their debut...going forward with them as they take their first steps, speak their first words...onto school, and adolescence, ups and downs...and then, one day--how did it happen?--they are all grown up.  Like the day they took that first toddling step away, they now take their first adult steps. 

There's something about those steps that causes something of a bruise inside the mom.  It aches.  Sometimes it feels like that little contusion begins to heal, then something comes along to open it up all over again.

Today as I drove through the park, everything 'looked' right with the world.  The early autumn leaves, tinged with vibrant reds and oranges, cast long shadows over the grass.  Ducks glided across the still lake, and the sun's eastern glance reflected on the surface.  It's Friday and I have the weekend to look forward to.

The sky peeked down at me, cloaked in the most flattering shade of robin's egg blue, but tears formed inside the rims of my eyes.  A lump stubbornly planted itself in my throat.  All this because I spied the spot near the fountain where Maria posed for prom pictures in May.

Suddenly I missed my dear sooo much.  I'm so proud of her.  She made the decision to pursue higher education; and she stuck to her plan, moving away and going to college.  How is it that one moment, she was still my little girl, and the next moment, she's a young woman, on her own? 

Just because she did what she's supposed to do--grow up--what do I  do with that part of my soul that is wrapped around my child like a delicate, yet powerfully strong, spider's web?  I never expected to feel like this.  I had not anticipated it.

I think I understand why this is Earth, and not Heaven.  It seems that at no time in one's life, is the heart every truly content.  When all things seem right, there is always that 'something' that is off. 

Each of my children is everything to me.  I can't choose a favorite; they are all my favorite.  They are all my 'only' love.  They are all the best blessing I have known and will know. 

Being in love means sometimes feeling too deeply.  But I would never trade it for anything.  I miss my Maria today.  I think of her impish smile and dimpled cheek, and feel that swell of emotion.  There's nothing in the world as wonderful as being fully immersed in a sea of love.